It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
