I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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