And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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