i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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