i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
