There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
