Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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