She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
