1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
