There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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