I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
