she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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