all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
