New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
