she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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