how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
