dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
