Don't make out with my wife yet
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
