I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
