A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
