There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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