Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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