The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
