I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
