you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
