We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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