And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
