I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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