I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
