i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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