I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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