Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
