I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
