hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
