you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
