alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
