This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
