I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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