3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
