I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
