hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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