I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
