Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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