I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
