It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
