I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
