I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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