Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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