I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
