it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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