i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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