the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
